My thoughts on New Moon, An adaptation of Stephanie Meyers' book w/the same name

Before we start, i just want to say:

• Yes, i AM an ostentacious bitch.
• No, i don't think Taylor Lautner's hot.
• And, finally, YES, i think Robert Pattinson IS gay.

I just hope Sugi-sama or Ice Kitten isn't reading this... Anyway. here it is:

I saw 'NEW MOON' on the telly today. In my humble, and politically non-biased opinion:

IT SUCKED!

You have a testosterone-charged Bella frantically running around on a suicidal spree, a shirtless Jacob frolicking on the sands of 'La Push', and i partically clad Edward trying to tell the Volturi that he WANTS to die, and a very hungry Volturi with little, or no acting skills, whatsoever.

Deep. Real deep.

I can practically SEE Edwards undying love for Bella in the dimples of his nipples, which -in completely unrelated news- are bronzed to the ump. And JACOB! Ahh.... he's such a great friend: he is giving free porno to a reluctant Bella, her love for him notwithstanding. How essentially moving. Really, i could CRY my eyeballs out to this pathetic attempt to making a movie.

Seriously, the only thing missing here, was Snoop Dogg singing 'Sensual Seduction' in the background. New Moon? This was 'Testosterone Rising'.

"Yes, Jacob, we know that you can withstand the cold- just don't push it into our faces by

taking your shirt off and running around half-nude!"

This 'New Moon', he takes off his shirt in the autumnal wind, next 'Eclipse', he'll freeze his testicles for Bella.

Such love is SO thought-provoking, right?

If you don't have the money for clothes, guys, I'm all up for a donation.

THESE A FEW IMAGES I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH ONE AND ALL.

"I just heard i'm getting laid in Breaking Dawn. YAY!"

"I'm the hottest werewolf there ever~~

 ~~Wait. Is that Robert Pattinson without a shirt?? GOD, i'd tap THAT ass...."

"I gotta pee..."