Pink Panther is a Giant Rock

Have you ever laughed so hard that you wet the place where you were sitting?
I haven’t. I just haven’t met with someone who has, so, just checking.
Well, I have laughed so hard today, I think I just gave myself a hernia. And, no, it’s not because I realized that the idiot on third was doing a man. I watched Pink Panther today for the hundredth time.
To all those who do not know already –I have no life.
There’s this inspector here with the name Clousseau. And boy! Is that guy a LUNATIC! He left Romeo wayyy behind him.
What?
Romeo and Juliet wasn’t a tragic love story. It was a comedy.

It all starts with Romeo , a young vivacious boy who is actually in love with a pretty little thing, christened Rosaline. She is –by no means whatsoever –Juliet. She doesn’t love him. He wants to die.
He goes to a ball, in a final attempt to win Rosaline’s heart. He meets Juliet and miraculously forgets about Rosaline. That’s the typical red-blooded male for you!
She loves him, too, but she’s actually the daughter of a family foe. He cannot have her. He wants to die.
Again.
One thing leads to another, and Juliet suddenly lands up in a garden. Juliet pretends to die so that they can get married. Romeo arrives a mere two minutes too early. [Which is why I don’t blame the Indian locals for always being fashionably late, by the way. Punctuality kills!] He sees “dead” Juliet. He cries over “dead body” of Juliet. He wants to die.
Again.
Ex post facto of some fool leaving a vial of poison unattended, he takes it, and drinks it all up. He dies. Boo Hoo.
Juliet wakes up. She sees dead Romeo. Now she wants to die. Poisons self, and dies, too.

No. this is not a romance. It’s comedy gold. Romeo isn’t a hopeless romantic –he’s just hopeless. Whosoever thinks he’s a wonderful gentleman has serious mental issues.
Can’t you SEE?! He’s not the most romantic soul in the world; he’s the most misunderstood psychotic there EVER was! The guy was obviously mad!! So it’s not a romance at all. It’s a tale of a guy who ran from an asylum in search of one girl, and ended up killing himself for a loose girl called Juliet. C’mon, Rosaline is undoubtedly hot. So this Juliet chick was evidently unchaste. I mean, why else would he let go of hot-hot Rosaline for pretty-pretty Juliet?
Fast Juliet became a heroic icon for women all around the world! An idiot who didn’t have brains enough to check for pulse and an “easy” girl made it to our history texts! I’m impressed…

Anyway, The Pink Panther is not a panther. It's the biggest pink rock in the history of the worlds biggest pink rocks.
The movie starts out with the murder of Xania's boyf, Yves Glaunt (Pronounced "Eves Glon"). I pity that name... I mean, his parents never gave him a CHANCE! No wonder he was so evil in the movie...
He was hated by everyone. He was rich and famous. He was cheating on Xania(Beyonce). And, to apologize for his misdemeanors, he provided her with a giant pink rock to put around her finger.
He is certainly the next biggest psychotic freak in the entire world, after Romeo. And Hamlet. That one definitely had a nut loose somewhere.
All this happened in France, the country of European Romance. The next time I wish to suicide, I'll go there.

Inspector Jacques Clousseau has taken up the case of Yves Glaunts' murder.
Inspector Jacques Clousseau is an incompetent, klutz of an idiot.
Inspector Jacques Clousseau solves the case and becomes a hero. He is next in like to become one of the most stupid famous-people, after a certain Indian Politician.
My favorite scenes from the esteemed are the following:
Clousseau is on the football field looking for Bizu, a suspect in the case. He hears a person coming their way.

"FOOTSTEPS!" he bellows, and walks closer to the sound. "It is a woman! ...Thirty to thirty-five years of age... five-four or five-five... wearing high-heels... and..." He sniffs the air. "...Chanel no. 5!"

Sic comes in a Russian trainer who ----wait for it....----- TRAINS!!
As I said, you must think I have no life as I am watching such utter crap right now.
You're right; I don't.

"Do you have high-heeled shoes in your bag?" Closseau points at the sports utility bag The Russian has and says.
"No." The Russian trainer who --coincidentially-- trains, says.
"At least a small pair of pumps?"
"No...?"
"Who are you?"
"Yuri the Russian Trainer."
"And what do you do, Yuri the Trainer?"
"I... train...?"
"Oh. So you are Yuri the trainer, who trains."

Then, Bizu, the suspect, gets murdered in the locker room with a dart aimed directly at the occipital lobe. Gilbert tells Clousseau about it.

"He got shot in the head," He says, slightly morose.
"Was it fatal?" Clousseau asks.
"Um... Yes." He finally says.
"How fatal?"
"C-completely!"
"I wish to speak with him."
What. The. Fuck?!
"Sir, he's dead."

After an array of weird contradictory misgivings [see Clousseau trying to seduce Xania in a hotel room but, instead, flooding the washroom and setting alight all the tapestries, getting caught with an enormous amount of punishable objects in the security check of a US airport, and being unable to say hamburger, hence getting deported to France for carrying weapons and a certain "dambergurte" in his pockets.] Finally, the killer was found to be...

                                                                              ...Yuri the Trainer who Trains!

He realized this as Russian Football trainers are always taught to use chinese herbs and shoot at the occipital lobe. Yuri was arrested at the Presidential ball. Clouseau also reveals that Yuri tried to kill Xania because she went out with Gluant and Bizu and ignored him. Xania is revealed to have the Pink Panther diamond sewn into the lining of her purse, having received it from Gluant as an engagement ring. Clouseau then reveals that he had seen the diamond in her purse while examining the photograph of his arrest, which also showed a view of her purse as it appeared to the airport's luggage scanner. Dreyfus, Clousseau's despotic senior, makes a clumsy attempt to take credit, saying his arrest of the Chinese envoy was a ploy to draw out the real killer. For his success, Clouseau wins the Légion d'honneur.

All in all, I think the movie was pretty good. It was better than the last version. That was slightly more... um... let's just say "erotically charged" than this one. A good watch, though. A comedy of errors--- and that's the movie for you!

P.S. For all those who haven't seen the movie --you've gotta be KIDDING me! And, sorry for spoiling the suspence...